Watching 50/50 before bed was not the brightest idea; If you have a loved one that passed away due to cancer, you won't be able to handle the movie. I cried soOo hard, I couldn't breathe the whole night.

My mind always wonders, if something devastating were to ever happen to me, who would be there for me? I used to be so doubtful and insecure that I'd put myself into a depression just thinking about it. Lucky for me, I know, at the very least, my family will be there for me.

My sister was talking about how lucky we are to have family close by that would come to our aid when needed. One day she lost her car keys at school and none of us were picking up our phones, so she called my aunt to look for me and my aunt said she'd come get her. She was so taken back because she rarely talks to her. I never appreciated my family. Growing up I was surrounded by my friend's tight knit families and I was stuck with a dysfunctional one. Although, my immediate family is still a hot mess, I'm learning to accept them for what they are instead of condemning them for they're not. In the movie, there was a pretty good quote: You can't change who you're parents are. The only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with that.

I told myself that I would make more of an effort to be more social but it's soOo hard. There were a lot of birthday parties I was invited to but I hate dressing up. The other day my friend commented my halloween photo (I was dressed up, hair and make up did) saying I should go out more like that and I'm just like what are you trying to say?! I only dress up for special occasions. I've always been a low maintenance, hoodie and sweats type of girl. I feel really insecure dressed up.

So the same friend asked me to go eat sushi, so being that he made fun of me, I did my hair and make up but still rocked my hoodie. He was on my case about being single and not dating. I can't remember my last "boyfriend" and I've talked to people here and there but I never really made a connection with anyone. I joined Plenty of Fish hoping to meet people but I literally have to force myself to reply to messages, let alone conjuring the courage to go meet someone. I know I'm not getting any younger but I don't want to force myself to get with anyone just to be with someone.

It's funny how life works, I was starting to beat myself up for being single but then I came across this song Tori Kelly - Dear No One. It's my theme song, describing me to a T, as if it was written for me to sing.

I remember when all the girls were starting to get their periods and I didn't get it yet. I remember I even lied that I got it so I didn't feel so left out then thanked the heavens when I finally got it. I think I was 14 or 15. Ever since then I was never happy to get my period. I didn't start keeping track of my cycles until I hit my 20's and since then it's been like clock work. It's very true when you hang out with another girl soOo much your cycles coincide.

Now, ever since Bac Lan passed away, I've been off; I skipped two months and everyone was telling me I'm pregnant but my only reply was "You have to do something to get pregnant and I didn't do shit." It took me a while to get my cycle back to regular but now, whenever I'm stressing, I'm a few days off. When my mom was in the hospital, I even skipped a month.

Adding onto my last entry: I was soOo curious as to if my best friend trying to kiss me was all in my head, I asked my friend who saw it that night. She said she thought he was joking around but he definitely puckered up. She said he was probably emotional having to say goodbye to his sister so don't think too much about it.

So I'm chilling at home watching tv when my best friend calls me to go out and eat. Wasn't hungry but I wanted to get out of the house so we went out with my other friend I was speaking to earlier. So as we're chilling;

They were like "What's up"
I'm just like "I'm stressing"
My bestie was like "About what?"
I'm just like "It's a girl thing."
My friend goes "You got your period?"
I'm like "No I'm late"

You should have seen the look on my best friend's face, shocked and angry, and the only thing he says is "WHO?" I was laughing soOo hard at how weirded out he was. Then I said my usual line "You have to do something to get pregnant and I didn't do shit." It was funnier cause one of our other friends is accidently preggers for the second time and they strongly disapprove of that (not that it's any of their concern). The irony is that I was having my period as that whole conversation was taking place.

Anyways, point of my story, I think my best friend is in love with me.

PSYCH!!! I have no point, I just thought it was a funny story to share.

2011 has helped me grow a lot. 2011 showed me that there's nothing compared family, they'll always be there for you. 2011 helped ease the "what ifs" in my heart from broken friendships; there are just some things you can't control nor change no matter how hard you try and I'm glad at least I tried and that's all that matters. 2011 showed me I can be happy.

For 2012 I have a better idea of what it would take to be happy, my resolutions:

1. Go to bed by 12 to get 8 hours of sleep. No phone, no thinking, just sleep.

2. Eat what I want but less of it.

3. Be more active; Physically and Socially.

4. Make better decisions and live with them. No regrets.

5. Push myself harder at work and school. No complaning or excuses.

6. Appreciate what I have.

2011 molded me, let's see what 2012 makes me,